There is so much stuff that I can talk about regarding this, yet it seems so hard to put these thoughts into sentences, probably due to me thinking too much. Even starting the first line is a difficult task, since I didn’t really see myself in the position I am today, and the past seems like a distant memory. Now, as I get closer to the end-point, I wonder if I am actually reaching it, getting further away from it, or perhaps at a dead end already.
Now thinking about the past, I wondered how did I managed to take the first important step into trying. It could have been a moment of courage, or just a moment of craziness, thinking that I should just try and go for it. At the start, I needed so much help and I literally had no idea on what to do, yes it was that bad… When I first enlisted into the army, it seems like that all is lost and at that time, I thought about giving up. Not only once, not only twice, this thought came up in my mind several times since I enlisted into the army, and everytime I ask the same question to myself: “Is she worth it?”. I told myself that since I tried already, might as well go all the way to the end. And everytime I wanted to give up, I always remind myself of the question that one wise friend of mines told me: “Are you happy that you tried?”. Well, of course I am, since I never really expect myself to be doing these kind of things. I told myself that in my JC life, I wouldn’t stand a chance and perhaps should only try when I entered university. I think the problem was that I didn’t really give myself a fighting chance and removed any thoughts of trying, using studying for As as an excuse. Even after As ended, I never, ever thought about it as having fun was probably the only thing in my mind. Thinking back, life now would be very different if I hadn’t taken that first step. My life now in a sense feels more meaningful before, as going through the process has thought me much about how you deal with others and how I am as a person. Also, it made me feel that army is not the only thing in my life and there are many things out there of life that you can look forward to, with army not necessary taking control of your entire 2 years. I thought I have matured a lot during the JC period, and the truth is I matured only in terms of my attitude toward hard work etc in JC. Only after leaving JC and entering army, I talk and open up to people much more than I was in JC, since I’m not focused on studying like a mad dog. So was my grades worth the colourless JC life? I do have some regrets regarding that, but I supposed you can’t get the best of both worlds. I wouldn’t want to regret sacrificing my grades just so to sort of “socalise” more. Although grades are only letters on a piece of paper, those 5As really gave me a sense of accomplishment, since I was never the study type and it showed me that nothing is impossible with hardwork. But can the same apply here? If you really did your best and put in your all, would it really work out at the end, just like As? So many questions that I wish I knew the answer to them was, and every time I think about these, I suffer insonmia, just wishing I knew the answer to them.
So can I really, really take that leap of faith? I always told myself that trying is at least better than not trying and living in regret, but somehow I really cannot bring myself to do it. Somehow, that fear of rejection grew bigger and bigger as the days go by. Am I really that mentally prepared for rejection? I don’t think I am an emotionally strong guy enough to handle such an answer, since you have been hoping and wanting the other answer so much. For a guy, I can cry over the simplest of things (which is kind of embarassing), and this fact is confirmed when I enlisted into the army. I’m not sure if it’s me who cry too easily, or it’s the other guys who aren’t so touched and don’t cry easily, but I’m thinking the answer is probably the former. Maybe I’m being too pessimistic about this, rather being the optimistic self that I have been. But you can’t always be worried about the “what ifs” and take a chance in life. Although you wished you knew the answer beforehand, you would never know the answer until you actually try. I could have been facing this brick wall that was never meant to be overcome, but also she could have been waiting all this while? I will never know the answer until I try.
But in the end, it all goes down to her. I could receive all the help and do all the things in the world for her, but all of the above would be in vain if she isn’t interested in going into such a thing. So can I really do it? Well, I wouldn’t know the answer if I don’t take that leap of faith. But all I can do is hope all is well and even I fail, hope again things don’t get too awkward afterwards. And here’s another message to myself: Rejection is what you have to go through sometimes before you succeed. Just make I can lift my head up high and tell me myself that at least I tried my best, and that I tried, rather than not trying at all. Get over it and move onto the next stage of life, no point harping over this one! And if it does work out, better don’t screw up the chance given to me! 🙂
But until then, about taking that leap of faith…