Lonely

December 9 2017, 12 noon. Same old announcement; put your pens down. Yet another semester done, and the sense of liberation feels less and less exhilarating as we grow older. The wait for 3619 was particularly painful, seeing everyone else done and flying off while you are stuck here with this last final. It definitely sucked a lot to witness others enjoy themselves in different countries, but I did my fair share of travelling last year so I was content with living the chill life back here in Singapore. Bam end of Year 4 Semester 1, and one-third of December is over already. A little slacking, a lot more sleeping later boomz two-thirds of December is gone as we approach the final fews days of 2017 and snowy days here in WordPress.

Nothing much to add onto the academic side for this later part of the year. Very different group dynamics for each group project that I worked on over the semester; there were some which I could take a back seat because everyone was so competent, while there was others where I had to take the charge. You feel less in control of your grades since you are only putting in a small fraction of the entire product/deliverable. The intense chiong-ing of projects and studying for finals killed a bit of the vibes for #lastyearbestyear as the focus was back on the books. It wasn’t 100% focus on work, but I finally did flip the switch to mugging mode. Priorities as a student still stay and I can’t afford to fuck up my results anymore. 1 more week until results release so we shall see how well (or horrendous) I did this semester.

Getting there

Yours truly haven’t had a good honest break ever since the start of 2017; from resuming school straight from exchange mode, doing yet another summer internship to fulfilling army obligations. I did think about doing a winter internship, but I shall just let myself rest for this last winter holiday. Haven’t accomplished much thus far; did little organising and I just spent most of the time sleeping if I’m not outside. The most important aspect that I took stride into getting back a healthy mental state was a reset of the mindset; I knew I let certain happenings got the better for me, so it was only right for myself to distant myself away from them. No more playing the blame game, keep your head up and move on. It wasn’t a spontaneous decision but I had the feeling that it was a step towards the right direction. Trust your gut feeling sometimes; it works wonders.

Over-thinking kills happiness, insecurity kills self esteem, doubts kills more hope than actual failure will. I managed to reduce those 3 silent killer emotions in this later part of the year as I worked towards a slightly different self. One that embraced negativity in a positive way instead of drowning back into toxicity; One that didn’t require the recognition of others to cover the lack of confidence. Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurities, they create lies that we actually believe. In the end, a positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.

#YouDidWellJonghyun

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