So this is a topic that I have been avoiding and dragging for quite a while. Among some of my previous posts I have been beating about the bush regarding this topic so for this post, I shall put a close to yet another “chapter” in my life, and move forward to the next.
It’s funny how we all think we know who our ideal type of girl is. She must have that sweet smile, hot body, along with a kind heart. But then this person comes along and breaks all the rules. She’s a little plump and she doesn’t have the kind heart that you hoped for. But suddenly none of it matters, as you have fallen for her already. And that’s all that matters..
Most of my army mates would know that my ideal type is SNSD’s Seohyun, someone who is upright, hardworking and has this bright and cheerful personality. It’s weird that most guys like the typical popular girl who comes from a sports CCA, has a good body and are usually very outspoken, but okay I have weird taste haha… but given our generation present in the Singaporean society (sorry for stereotyping :X), it’s hard to find a girl like Seohyun. And like everyone else, there would be someone who come along and broke all the rules, and for me this happened 3 years back. I can tell you that this girl is nowhere similar to Seohyun (not looks, but personality and character wise), but somehow I just liked her. I think most people would understand this feeling where you just like that someone, and you don’t mind their flaws at all, simply because your feelings have already overwhelmed you and you’re in no control of them anymore. I shall skip about what happened between us since that’s not the main point of this post. All I knew that after that day, the me whom I thought was strong just suddenly broke down. It was a super hard one to swallow, but as time past by the wounds you inflicted slowly healed, and I slowly gripped onto reality and without a heavy heart anymore, was able to go on without looking back and having any regrets with anything I did.
It’s super strange that all of these just happened only a few months ago, but it felt like ages already. All I knew was that I was just the average male who was just crazy in love and due to this, I ignored everything around me. Instead of living my own life the way I want it, I was trying to mould myself to be the perfect guy for you. However, the best thing in the world is when someone accepts you for just being the way you are. Now finally free from the emotions, I feel like a totally different man, who’s able to command the life the way wants and not feel like I’m living my life the way other wants it. And that to me, is super important as many ignore this aspect of life as they want to blend in with the crowd. That’s why I’m not really a fan of all the shit I see in university camps/ hall activities. Maybe because I’m really introverted, but to me the most important thing is still you getting that degree and you can GTFO from the cruel education of Singapore’s. No one would care if you are the cheerleading captain or winning your inter-college games (a little off-topic, so moving on…). When you said you wanted to remain as friends, I could feel that those were nothing but empty words. Talking to you was always a guessing game, and I could feel that you were still holding back. I could still feel the “distance” between us, and I’m the only one whose trying to close that gap. How I wished that you would open up more to me like what a friend is supposed to do, but since you were scared about the opinion of others, you ignore everything single thing which I did and lived your life the way I did when I was crazy in love for you: living your own life for others. And that was a total no go IMO. Now I feel like a total and complete idiot when I see how the me last year acted *buries head into pillow*. Maybe all of these are still words of angst and hurt, but I can’t just let this incident dangle in my life and return to haunt me in the future, so this is what the purpose of this post is for: to put perhaps a proper closure to this chapter.
The topic got touched on during a Christmas gathering with my Maple guildmates. We had an unexpected HTHT session after getting bored with Saboteur regarding each of our experiences going through relationships. I love talking to them, since most of them are older than me and thus, wiser and able the share their experiences and thoughts regarding this topic. Among us, we have a married couple who’s going to have a baby soon, one who recently got together with a guy, and others who had first loves, and of course, the forever alone singles like me who had a lot of things to digest that day. Being in a relationship now is not as simple as it looks at the surface, as there are many other variables that we do not take account to, especially for people like us who are still at a relative young age. Talking to them really opened up another perspective regarding relationships, and helped me to understand what the aspects of a relationship which I failed to notice before. Through that one simple roundabout sharing session, my view of a relationship changed drastically. I liked what one told the group of us 20+ year old guys: “When you’re choosing whether to get into a relationship with a girl, essentially that girl may be your future wife. So if you aren’t able to see yourself and her in a married life, don’t bother wasting your time.”. In a generation where many people believe that “love prevails”, these are the many small pointers which many do not take note and thus their relationships do not work the way they thought it would be. Maybe this isn’t really applicable to me right now, but will take note hehe ;).
With all that happened to me, I know that I’m stronger than I think I am. What seemed to be a phase of life which I thought would be difficult to pass has now become nothing but a distant memory, and going through this phase of life has brought about another level of maturity of myself. I was the typical male whom when fallen in love, believed that the one was the right one for him. And due to this poor mindset, I kind of rushed into things and hoping to succeed just because I was scared to fall into the category of staying single. There’s still a long journey ahead of me, with the final education phase of university waiting for me, so there’s no need to be so desperate to rush into a relationship. Might as well be patient and wait for the right one to come rather than rushing into a meaningless one. Although having an introverted personality may seem to be a big disadvantage, that doesn’t mean that I won’t meet people, perhaps just less. Besides, it’s not like I’m some fatfuck who lazes around at clubs everyday and won’t contribute anything useful to society. So yes, I admit that I still like you and it’s been so hard for me to let go, but I’m halfway there already. The hard part is gone already, and I could still remember how weak I was, and how I had to run in camp late at night to relieve the bottled emotions in me and letting it all out when no one was watching. I must look like an idiot to be still thinking of you after so long, while I probably don’t cross your mind at all. It’s a really sucky feeling when you think of someone but he/she doesn’t. That’s why they say love is a 2-way thing and it has always been me giving and you receiving. It’s just at times I wished I would receive, but who am I to ask for something?
In the end, realize that letting go is close to impossible, but not impossible. It would be a slow and painful process, but it would be best to move onto the next phase of life and not be burdened by this one off incident. Even if things didn’t go the way I thought it would happen, somehow I was glad that at least I tried. Yes, it was awfully painful to hear those words when you thought otherwise, but not to be ashamed about as many had gone through this exact pain that I felt before. So friend (as you like to call), I’m grateful for everything you’ve done to me, but there would be a point of time where we would go our separate ways. So gone with the past, but the small moments we had will stay in my heart and I’m again thankful for that chance. Sorry, but I don’t want to continue on as a one way traffic…
It’s all so you can love someone someday~