Everything Has Changed

1 post for the month of August before I fly off to Thailand for an army exercise. There are many things that I could have written for this post, but as per normal I like to focus on one topic for one post. For this one, I decided to go with this specific topic; the one which has been sensitive to me and have been avoiding endlessly. Now it may finally be the right timing to talk about it here. (yes WP seems to be the only place where I can be honest and type out whatever I want haha). And yes, no beating about the bush again rawr!! (I just decided to go for the name of the song as the title of this post, running out of creative titles whoops)

…and all i feel in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind
makin’ up for lost time, takin’ flight making me feel like…

Never thought that I would have this feeling again after all that have happened. I can’t even remember how we started talking again. Although it has only been a year, it feels like so much have happened, all the highs and lows, the memorable moments and the ones that you want to forget. All I remembered was that somehow we slowly started to talk to each other again,  and our relationship started to improve, if not even better than before. After so long, we decided to go out and went out together, and the butterflies in the stomach wasn’t there. Maybe I was slightly nervous since I haven’t seen you in person for some time, but I felt much less inclined to see the need to keep impressing you like what I used to do in the past. The awkwardness between us was suddenly gone, as compared to months ago where we couldn’t even look each other in the eye, maybe because we have been in contact for a while. (nothing much to write about what happened) So poof, the day ended and we parted ways.  At the end of that day, I thought I could finally close this chapter of my life and move on forward without looking back anymore. I never liked looking back, it distracts me from the present. I was on my bed ready to get a good sleep, but that happened. I had no idea what that was all about: What were you trying to tell me? Were you trying to hint something to me, or was it just wishful thinking on my part? That led to several sleepless nights in camp, and the insomnia strikes yet again…

…let me know that it’s not all in my mind…

Fast forward to a fews day ago, we had a talk which I didn’t expect us to have at all (at least that early). Sure I had stuff that were bottled inside, but sometimes things are better left untouched. So everything between us got slowly unwind, and I received a response which was totally unexpected from you. For a person like you to have suddenly so much courage and say something like that, imagine how heartbroken you would have felt if what I said was the opposite of what you were wishing for. It was only right for me I suppose to take that leap of faith again and yes, in the end this decision may come haunt me again but since things turned out that way, only time will tell. Telling the truth may hurts, but I think we understood each other much better since that day. You gave me sort of a 50-50 answer, which wasn’t exactly ideal but I guess you need time as well. Yes this 50-50 may drift to something I don’t want, but because of this possibility I shouldn’t go all desperate again and just let karma do its thing. In the end, I revealed that I somewhat still had feelings for you, but it was something that I didn’t want to do because when you do that, you leave yourself so vulnerable. It could have been another case of deja-vu, me revealing everything but still having to play the guessing game. But something is different now, it was the first time I’ve seen you being so honest with your feelings and revealing so much (after a little probing from me hahas). I realize how dangerous it is when you make assumptions, because you start to believe that the assumptions you make are true without knowing the truth. You thought that I gave up on you as I thought you weren’t worth it. I believed that you were happy that I was out of your life, but the exact opposite was true: that you were hurting the same as well. And I was here thinking, the faster I forget about you, the better it would be better for both of us: I would be able to start off afresh again, and at the same time be less of a burden to you.  Ultimately, we are all selfish humans, that we care about ourselves first above others. Although by word it seemed like we care for each other, the reality is that we prioritize ourselves as number one. I never thought how it was from your point-of-view and was only scared about myself being hurt again. Now that I knew how you felt all these while, I feel so underserving and obnoxiously selfish. Perhaps when the time comes where we put each other ahead of others, then that may be the right time…

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Since we had that talk all of a sudden, I might not have been able to say everything that I have wanted, but I think we ended on a good note.  So don’t worry about me not liking you, I should be worried for the other way round hahas. The last thing that we did before bidding farewell, I suppose I just wanted to show you that everything is alright and now, all your worries are hopefully eliminated. As time passes, maybe the answer for both of us will slowly appear and until that happens, I’ll save those words that I want to tell you.

Has everything changed between us? At first, I thought it was, until the point that there was no chance that things would ever be the same again, but all the misconceptions have been cleared, all seems clear to me now. Perhaps everything has really changed, maybe nothing has changed right from the start, but that doesn’t matter now since all I know is I am happy with what it is now…

and ending it off with a few words from seohyun! 🙂 [im so glad im done with this extremely cheesy post LOL]

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