“Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass… It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
September 2015. First showcase for TB; long story short I was totally unprepared and made a fool out of myself. People came up to me with harsh words, but at that moment I was pissed that I was being judged on a practice I was barely prepared for. I told myself this many times: I know it myself that I was a slow learner; I know that I’m not gifted or blessed with superb skills. So what should I do? Same thing I did for my academics, my running and my guitar. No more excuses for myself as well. And in the end, a bridge had to be burnt along the way. That place brought me more sorrow and unhappiness rather than joy, so it was only right for me to leave. It just felt like the correct decision, and I shan’t look back again.
Fast forward to next showcase, I never felt so delighted over my own progress. (On a side note: OMG I never knew my slouching and hunchback looked so bad, time to really fix my posture >.<) I guess this is what happens when I give myself a fair chance and stopped giving excuses. There is still much room for improvement, and for the first time I actually want to spend time to practice and improve myself. I’m actually looking forward to every Saturday; and it seemed like the only thing which keeps me afloat this semester. HAHAHA I have to confess that it’s a very strange statement even from myself; does university really change people, or do people just change in university? I have no idea what happened which made me feel and be this way, being more open to trying new things and stepping out of the comfort zone. Okay it’s not really being more open, but it’s just really scary that the me that was so concentrated in academics is as good as gone. And for once, I am actually doing what I say rather than just stating and ranting it out like what I did in the past; finally putting those words into real actions.
I took a few days amidst academic deadlines to draft out the CMB formations, tried it out with those who came down & in the words of myself: 有 feel hahaha! The whole song is still such a wreck, and it made me rethink whether the decisions I made over the past months have been the right ones. EXO Song, unhappy juniors having nothing to do because seniors are busy with their other songs… sounds familar right hahas. Us 4 seniors are really trying our best to not let the whole song end up like Growl last year, can’t imagine handling the song without them. I would have just gave up and dropped the whole song zzz. Imagine having 9 juniors (when there’s only 21 of them) in your song; despite working with many different groups of people within this 1.5 years in university, I still don’t think I can connect well with people. I won’t digress but I’ll try to speak up and be more vocal instead of just hiding behind my phone and just spamming essays. (and this is not only just for KDT, hence the need to not digress or else I will never end this post)
And finally in recent happenings, started learning my 4th & final song! Only planned to do 3 songs at the start, but I decided to opt into 1 more. Although it’s a relatively chillax song, let’s hope that I can handle everything well. Didn’t have the discipline to self practice before that so I was lost from the start. Grateful to the seniors who come up with their witty analogies and helping me a lot. Still a burden for INU, but not as much now. We crash coursed JR within 2-3 weeks so that has a lot to work with. What the heck actually there’s so much to work on, and when finals end I don’t even know how and where to start… already looking forward to my December holidays hul… (BUT FOCUS FOR FINALS PLEASE NICK!)
I just felt it would be nice to note down the happier moments in this semester full of fuck ups, and a source of these positive vibes have been from those Saturdays. I had so many random rants originally in this post which I typed here but decided to delete them. Bad habit of mines of a long time; letting my emotions at that moment get the better of me haha. Usually there would be people that I would express this happiness too… If I were to share my journey in KDT with anyone else, it would feel like it’s just me having to say it out rather than sharing the joy with me. I guess writing it down here will be sufficient for now. This isn’t my usual kind of super thoughtful posts, but I thought that it would be good to have a post which I could read to remind myself that there has been happier times. Listened to the heart for once and decided to give dance a miss this weekend; haha I know this statement is so contradictory
but yeah no point thinking whether I made the right decision. Went back to read my post about the first throwback, and now #kdtthrowback2016 is becoming a reality soon (less than 3 months omg!). The thought of being able to show a more confident self hasn’t changed at all; one which I won’t cringe at when I look at and show a performance where I don’t have to beg people not to spread videos of me LOL. Has it really gotten better from here?
If you play with fire, prepare to get burnt. So tired of caring about the wrong people, ran out of plasters for my wounds. No more negative vibes please, it has been too tiring on the soul.