Fragile

fragile-1

back to the grind

A much needed but underserving Chinese New Year break has finally arrived. I have totally not adapted back to student life, lazing on the bed and getting distracted over the smallest of things. It hasn’t been a pleasant start to 2017, but I’m trying my best to distant myself away from the useless overthinking. If 2016 wasn’t bad enough… it’s so tiring to the spiritual soul to be constantly disappointed with people around me. The people in my life should be a source of happiness, not ones who cause more angst and sadness. There’s a time to be nice, but there’s a time too where you tell yourself enough is enough. But when is it truly enough? Bring me back to the times I was living in my own happy bubble, teleport me back to Europe where I could escape all the toxicity of self-obsessed human beings.

I won’t go further into this rant anymore, because I want this place to be filled with more positive moments. Hopefully, this short break will allow me to discover what I really want in my life; and more importantly the people who I really want in my life. Love is not one size fits all kinda thing. Everyone love in different ways based on our personalities and beliefs, so this is where compassion comes in. Always remember that while we do not have control over certain things, we have control over how we react to it. The more we expect from others, the more we facilitate our own heartbreak. We can appreciate those tiny, everyday actions; or we can be bitter over them not being enough. I really, really want to believe that there is some good in everyone out there, but for now I’ll trust no one and just rely on myself. Sound really pitiful, but the independent lifestyle will allow me to be the best version of myself that I am satisfied with, rather than trying to appease others.

You don’t drown by falling into the water, you drown by staying there.

I’ll let this post be a small reminder that if you want to reach the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain first. Tough times don’t last; tough people do. And let your actions speak for themselves (resolutions *cough cough*)

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thankful for moments like these on stage~

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Foreign

Hello 2017! First post after landing back in Singapore, and I have so much to share hehe. But it’s not going to be a long post as I have a little something called reality that I need to go back to. 2016 is a crazy year in terms of traffic for this blog, so this little space of mine is starting to get not so private sadly. Most of my visitors came here for my module reviews though, which I’m super delighted about. It got so much attention that even my professor read it LOL. The internet can be a terrifying place, so watch what you post. I did consider about separating module reviews into a different blog, but it’s too much hassle to manage 2 websites. 1 is good enough for me HAHA~

Bring me back to winter wonderland~

Bring me back to winter wonderland~

2016… Internship took up 3 months while exchange took up another 5, so that leaves me with 4 months which seem like a blur to me. I had to read this WordPress to refresh myself on what happened during that period, and it seems like another regular internal struggle of mines. I never felt so disappointed with people around me as much as 2016, really made me question whether there was something truly wrong with me with the decisions I make in my life. 5 months really flew just like that; it felt like a new second life in a new continent. Exchange really felt like a wonderful 5 month dream, and going back to school directly the day that I land just reconfirm the fact that I am indeed back in reality. It felt like the pause button button in life was paused, but life truly still goes on in Singapore. Back with responsibilities as a student, a friend, a brother, a son and ultimately a human.

Physically, dance has taken up pretty much every pinch of free time I have. Haven’t had the chance to have a good sleep in day, currently running on adrenaline. But I really need all the time to work on basically everything. Everyone has really upped their standard and it’s super amazing how things have changed since I joined. No excuses, I should have consistently practiced when I had the chance but I didn’t so and it clearly showed. Grateful to KH and L for helping me out with Trespass, omg I’m really ashamed of myself, such a bad example tsk sighpie. Still so cringeworthy to see yourself on camera, and I still have an internal nervous breakdown when people shout my name sighpie x2. I though exchange might have helped out with my confidence but turned out it didn’t sobs.

It’s scary to feel how an environment that felt so comfortable months back now turn into something so foreign. FOMO is too real here, but there’s nothing that can be done when you have been missed out so much, remember life goes on as usual when you are away. One reason TB2 meant so much to me was because of all the spamming of planning and practicing we did together, along with the photo and video shoots for our songs. Shows how much more important the process is than the destination itself. Not every change faced is a plus, but change is inevitable. People change, feelings change, things change, that’s life.

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Watched this on the flight back on SG; hate unrequited love stories

The hardest part coming back to Singapore wasn’t adapting back to the hot weather or dealing with the jet lag… it’s the adjustment back from the carefree life to one with responsibilities. I found too much comfort with my “man cave” back in my dorm in Sweden; a life where the things I only worry about is what to eat for my next meal and what country to travel to next. Well, reality check Nick because exchange is over and a new semester awaits. Time for 2017 resolutions? HAHA I always think how much I changed after coming back from exchange. Rather than change itself, I think my perspectives have been truly broadened as I had conversations with so many people and learnt what life can present you. Typing this post out made me naturally think about what things I want to focus for this new year after a fairytail-ish 2016 haha.

to 2017 we go!

to 2017 we go!

Let your actions speak for themselves. You don’t have to say anything to anyone, actions will prove why words are meaningless. And never explain yourself to anyone, because you don’t owe anyone anything. The most beautiful quality one can possess is to have good intentions for others, and the selflessness where one can truly put others before himself. It’s this kind of things that really gives me hope and motivation to return the favour. There is only 1 person I know whom I truly believe (or close enough) possess this attribute, and strangely enough we have the same character.

You can’t keep dancing with the devil and ask why you’re still in hell.

Surround yourself with people who light you up, and wants you to be the best version of yourself, not someone completely different. I dealt with way too much toxicity so it’s time to remove some baggage from my life. However, there’s some paradox here and there so hopefully an answer will present by itself soon. (I’m always wanting the answer to naturally come out LOL). Make compromises, because no one is perfect. Instead of forever complaining about something, be the better man and give in a bit. Even if others don’t, at least you can tell yourself that you tried. I learnt this so much when I travelled with different groups of people. (德明 peeps are still the best though HAHA) And stop talking bad about others, silence can be golden at times like this. You don’t be a perfect angel and not shit talk at all, but remember what comes around can go back around oh so easily.

Be happy and dissatisfied. A happy life is a balanced life; it’s about what you got and how you take care of it. Be grateful for those around and what you possess, and never forget those helped you along the way. (Hani acknowledging the person who uploaded that legendary fancam always comes up to mind) Dissatisfaction means that you can be better, and it’s that damn comfort zone which you need to break out of. Being dissatisfied will be the drive that keep the motivation up, while warm memories of the past reassure us that all is truly well.

Although you want to follow the heart, sometimes you got to listen to the brain. You’re 24 years old Nick, you need to be more responsible and think twice before every action. Freaking survived 2 cycles of the rooster year HAHA. And when people talk, DON’T USE YOUR PHONES. This is also another lesson I picked up from Europe; LISTEN when others speak. This bad habit got worse over the years, so little reminders to self about this, Even if you aren’t interested, at least show some respect for people who are speaking.

Lastly, change is inevitable, growth is optional. So stay curious, keep learning & keep growing.