Taking that leap of faith

There is so much stuff that I can talk about regarding this, yet it seems so hard to put these thoughts into sentences, probably due to me thinking too much. Even starting the first line is a difficult task, since I didn’t really see myself in the position I am today, and the past seems like a distant memory. Now, as I get closer to the end-point, I wonder if I am actually reaching it, getting further away from it, or perhaps at a dead end already.

Now thinking about the past, I wondered how did I managed to take the first important step into trying. It could have been a moment of courage, or just a moment of craziness, thinking that I should just try and go for it. At the start, I needed so much help and I literally had no idea on what to do, yes it was that bad… When I first enlisted into the army, it seems like that all is lost and at that time, I thought about giving up. Not only once, not only twice, this thought came up in my mind several times since I enlisted into the army, and everytime I ask the same question to myself: “Is she worth it?”. I told myself that since I tried already, might as well go all the way to the end. And everytime I wanted to give up, I always remind myself of the question that one wise friend of mines told me: “Are you happy that you tried?”. Well, of course I am, since I never really expect myself to be doing these kind of things. I told myself that in my JC life, I wouldn’t stand a chance and perhaps should only try when I entered university. I think the problem was that I didn’t really give myself a fighting chance and removed any thoughts of trying, using studying for As as an excuse. Even after As ended, I never, ever thought about it as having fun was probably the only thing in my mind. Thinking back, life now would be very different if I hadn’t taken that first step. My life now in a sense feels more meaningful before, as going through the process has thought me much about how you deal with others and how I am as a person. Also, it made me feel that army is not the only thing in my life and there are many things out there of life that you can look forward to, with army not necessary taking control of your entire 2 years. I thought I have matured a lot during the JC period, and the truth is I matured only in terms of my attitude toward hard work etc in JC. Only after leaving JC and entering army, I talk and open up to people much more than I was in JC, since I’m not focused on studying like a mad dog. So was my grades worth the colourless JC life? I do have some regrets regarding that, but I supposed you can’t get the best of both worlds. I wouldn’t want to regret sacrificing my grades just so to sort of “socalise” more. Although grades are only letters on a piece of paper, those 5As really gave me a sense of accomplishment, since I was never the study type and it showed me that nothing is impossible with hardwork. But can the same apply here? If you really did your best and put in your all, would it really work out at the end, just like As? So many questions that I wish I knew the answer to them was, and every time I think about these, I suffer insonmia, just wishing I knew the answer to them.

So can I really, really take that leap of faith? I always told myself that trying is at least better than not trying and living in regret, but somehow I really cannot bring myself to do it. Somehow, that fear of rejection grew bigger and bigger as the days go by. Am I really that mentally prepared for rejection? I don’t think I am an emotionally strong guy enough to handle such an answer, since you have been hoping and wanting the other answer so much. For a guy, I can cry over the simplest of things (which is kind of embarassing), and this fact is confirmed when I enlisted into the army. I’m not sure if it’s me who cry too easily, or it’s the other guys who aren’t so touched and don’t cry easily, but I’m thinking the answer is probably the former. Maybe I’m being too pessimistic about this, rather being the optimistic self that I have been. But you can’t always be worried about the “what ifs” and take a chance in life. Although you wished you knew the answer beforehand, you would never know the answer until you actually try. I could have been facing this brick wall that was never meant to be overcome, but also she could have been waiting all this while? I will never know the answer until I try.

But in the end, it all goes down to her. I could receive all the help and do all the things in the world for her, but all of the above would be in vain if she isn’t interested in going into such a thing. So can I really do it? Well, I wouldn’t know the answer if I don’t take that leap of faith. But all I can do is hope all is well and even I fail, hope again things don’t get too awkward afterwards. And here’s another message to myself: Rejection is what you have to go through sometimes before you succeed. Just make I can lift my head up high and tell me myself that at least I tried my best, and that I tried, rather than not trying at all. Get over it and move onto the next stage of life, no point harping over this one! And if it does work out, better don’t screw up the chance given to me! 🙂

But until then, about taking that leap of faith… 

 

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Birthdays are a bummer

1st post for August, and decided to post something else, other than random stuff about my blog. A few days ago, someone said about my blog and me putting up stuff (I think you know who), so today I’m going to be doing something different, as title above. Haha.

My Birthday Experience

Just celebrated one of my mother’s friend’s daughter’s birthday *lol* and there were a lot of people, around 50+, and their house was huge =.=. Played Mahjong with some people I don’t even know, and I got 1 自模 and nothing else, so lost around $10. There were many people around the same age as me, so we chatted about life and stuff, and made a couple of friends. The ironic thing is I don’t even know this girl, and some of the people came just for fun or were forced to come, like me! Didn’t manage to get a slice of the cake also, and the girl seems to be more interested in the gifts than the guests. I can see her hogging her laptop, going on her FaceBook as everyone wishes her “Happy Birthday!”. One of her friends showed me her blog, and she was blogging during her birthday? wow. She was bitching around and some shit about a quick update and “in order of the people who wished me happy birthday”. To be honest, that was my first birthday party I attended that I didn’t even get to wish the birthday boy/girl “Happy Birthday”.

I hate birthdays, birthdays are a bummer.

Let me explain myself. I don’t hate other people celebrating their birthdays. I think it’s a thing of joy and fun that in this world where there is so much pain and suffering, people can take time out to dedicate one day of the year to have fun! =D

What I mean is that I hate that birthdays are getting out of hand, and are not just the same. Birthdays are no more the simple party where you invite a couple of friends, blow out the candles and make a wish. Now, birthdays are more of a competition or a day where you expect a lot of presents. In the U.S, if you ever see the show “My Sweet 16”, you would see girls competiting to see who throw the best parties, invited the most people and the hottest celebrities, and they are a bunch of spoiled brats. I still remembered there is 1 girl, who was crying that she got a BMW, but she wanted a Land Rover. wtf? Even in Singapore, I can see people competiting who got the most wall-posts in FaceBook, what they got, this kind of shit. Hey gratz, you have 33 people in this order wishing you happy birthday! =.=

38693169_Ihatebirthdayparties
Even they hate being the same, nah I’m just crapping =.=

2006 was the worst birthday for me. I went through the entire day and no one outside of my family except a few people even said “Happy Birthday.” Must be secondary school blues. So for the next two years, I vowed not to fall into pathetic self-pity. I enjoyed my birthday for the last two years, went out to Taka Macs, had some friends, chatted, and someone will always buy a cake, sang a song, went home, mom and dad and sis celebrates again, Happy Ending. I remembered last year, I think the only people from 3F wishing me happy birthday wereYoke Ming, Shi Kai and Janson, and even Yoke Ming remembered my birthday, and Janson just landed from Australia. I was not really familar with Yoke Ming last year (now I know him better, he likes Chinese Songs. no pun intented) I don’t expect much from my birthdays, probably because I have low exceptions or the fact that people don’t even know which day I am borned at. Big deal, I don’t give a damn anyway, as long as I have friends, that’s good enough. There are many other people suffering in the world and having water to drink or food to eat is a ‘birthday’ to them.

bday cake
always love chocolate cakes

When I was younger, I was like any normal child, I used to look forward to my birthday with much anticipation, eagerly expecting the cakes, drinks and gifts during the celebration. I think birthdays stared to be a bummer when I went to secondary school and my birthday falls on November, which is supposed to be a good time to celebrate brithdays since the whole school year has ended, but hell not, my birthday always seem to get forgetten. Birthdays were no longer a star attraction for me,and biw I just look back and wonder what the whole point is. So, you lived on Planet Earth for another year. Big woohoo! If you really look at it, there are many other things worth celebrating. There are other events in your life that can be worth celebrating because they fill you with happiness when you remember them…

…like acing a common test…

…graudution day…

…getting your first job…

…driving your first car…

…your first meeting with the love of your life…

…moving out to live on your own…

…getting married…

…and being able to look back in 10 years, and have a smile or two…

For me, I have no memory of anything on the day I was born! In fact, my mother should be celebrating it, not me, because not only did she had to put up with nine months of pregnancy, she also endured hours of very painful childbirth!

young_happy_people

So most of the world will still carry on celebrating birthdays, but there is no need to celebrate mines. You must be thinking, you are going to let one stupid party ruin your birthday experience? Yes and No. Yes, because after today, it makes me think twice about celebrating my own birthday. No, because after thinking about it, birthdays are nothing really special, just another day in the 365-day year.

party_dog
This dog doesn’t seem to enjoy his birthday too

Always remember, never forget.

More tests?

mban1424l

It’s the end of Week 4, so there are roughly 3 more months to the EOYs. And guess what, there are still more tests and things such as BP and ACE, and they expect us to study EOYs when there are so many tests? Do the math, and see now how little time we have for revision. I envy my friends overseas. Although most think that being a Singaporean = being blessed with the best education, I bet Singaporeans do not have the most memorable schooling life. They have proms, end-of-year pranks, less work to handle with, more vibrant school life. Next week, I have BP, ACE position paper, Maths Quiz, Geog CT, Chem Prac Test, not to mention the additional tuition homework, and I can’t find time to even download some 至尊百家樂 videos. And today I would be most probably skipping the usual Mahjong session. Better go back and hit the books.

1 thing I hate about my class is that everytime a test ends, people FAIL to keep their mouth shuts. The test is fucking over, gone, finished, and does it help if you discuss after the test? I hear people cheering after they know they got 1 question right. Woohoo! Gratz, you have secured 1 mark of your test. Or people moaning and saying, “Aiyah I lose 4 marks, can’t get A+ liao” =.=”. After the class receive back the results, people moan over that they didn’t get a A+ or whatever crap. If people have eyes, there are people who failed. I am one of those, and it feels sucky to see people moaning over not getting an A or something. I fail, and do you ever see moan? No. This just shows that you are not putting in enough effort. I have shown my frustration before, and not because I failed, cause some people can’t shut their fucking mouth. (Only Janson knows I think…) One result I am proud of is my Trigo Test, got an A, but do you see me running around the whole class? Nope, I’m satisfied and I keep it to myself. It’s ok to show that you are happy, just remember that you are not alone and be mindful that there are people around you.

happy_face_

Failed Chem, HCL and LA test, worst start to the new term. Can’t wait for the whole thing to end. Getting addicted to Taiwan shows, maybe I should just move there… Shows in Singapore are boring, always the same stuff. Last post for July, bye July 09, hello August 09! Stay happy always.

And another song for today.

Tonight – FM Static
I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin’
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin’ you, holdin’ you, holdin’ you tonight

I remember the time you told me about when you were eight
And all those things you said that night that just couldn’t wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you SAT AND told me about your Jesus
and how not to look back even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here…

I sing,
“Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin’ you, holdin’ you, holdin’ you tonight”

I sing,
“Tonight I’ve fallen and I can’t get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin’ you, holdin’ you, holdin’ you tonight”