Hell Week

The return of of a semester affair, Hell Week.

Back during my first semester in university, I could still remember how emotionally unstable I was due to all the stress from my first Hell Week. It always felt like a battle alone, and right now the exact same feelings are coming back.

To hell with feelings and distractions, note to myself to really focus at least just for this week. Shit happens, but it is how you deal with it that matters. I haven’t been dealing with mines well, so let this post be a reminder that I can do it.

On a side note, thank you S for the Hello Panda today , really a timely gift during this period (here’s your dedication haha love ya bff). And thank you my ‘Monday dinner’ friends for being so ready to help and even teach me today while I was dying trying to do my K writing assignment. There are people out there who do care for me, so fuck off to those who don’t matter.

Everyone of us are fighting our own inner battles. So be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. Throw away the bad vibes, time for me to fight mines.

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Struggles

Because of my tendency to find one topic and just keep talking about it, it started to give me less avenue for me to just start posting about my short-term thoughts. That said, I don’t think I would be doing a post about Union Camp. It was far from the experience I imagined and wanted, but I did learn a lot about myself during the camp: How I deal with my emotions, the way I treated others and myself… Forget the past, remember the lesson.

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If Year 1 Sem 1 was a step forward, Year 1 Sem 2 was 2 steps backward; Year 2 Sem 1 is just me banging into walls as I try to move forward. Getting too distracted by emotions, letting others affect me so much and facing old problems again within myself. This semester really just flew past, as I had trouble keeping in pace with some of my modules. A totally zero-fun recess week this semester, drowning in having mid-terms for every single module omg kill me please (Thank you K for the well-timed welfare pack, really appreciate it :D). In the midst of it, you could say I had an internal struggle with my identity. An identity crisis perhaps? Hahaha

There are many sides of Nick, and each side is scarily different.Being exposed to so many different environments within these few months, I can go from being quiet and awkward to loud and talking shit all the time, depending on the people I am with. Which side is the real Nick? With who am I really able to be just myself?   It really disgusts me that at the heat of the moment at certain times, I would turn into someone who isn’t me at all. I guess the most important daily reminder to myself is to be myself. 

being an option; not a priority. being taken for granted. I had this talk again recently with someone. “It will become very apparent when you finally realize it, and these people will only end up hurting you.”  You can’t always assume the best out of people; although you would want to but that is not how humans work. Treat others how you would want to be treated. Remind yourself every day that it is your responsibility to take care of yourself, and that it’s better to be your own first than someone else’s second. I know all this shit before, I went through this phase before. It sucks that I have to remind myself again. Sometimes, you will need to burn bridges to stop yourself from crossing them again. (And to the concerned friend who may read this: when I meant by bridges, it does not mean that i cut ties with people, no worries haha)

It’s okay to be sad, just remember that. Stop letting the past hold you back, don’t let those fears and worries eat you up. And about that 1 quality that I wouldn’t change ever… I may have it figured out soon.

7 more weeks. No more wavering, let’s do this shit. 

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~~~~~

Feel good K songs are what I really need at times like this.

 

Uni-Y Step Up 2015: When there is love, there is life

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Not the most flattering pictures, it doesn’t do much justice for the camp but these will have to do for now haha. If I were to go by chronological order, I would be posting about Union Camp, but I decided to cheat a little and go this camp first instead. It was between doing this camp and Biz Oweek, but I ultimately ended up choosing Uni Y because (1) Oweek was just before the start of school and I wanted a break for myself before school starts (2) PD is my friend and it would be quite ass of me to just quit (3) I didn’t want to squeeze & sleep in a seminar room for 4 nights LOL. This was the last school event for my summer holiday, and as usual I hoped that I ended it off in a good note (especially with how UC went whoops). So for a second time let’s go, Step Up 2015: When there is love, there is life.

A little context before I begin the whole thing, this was a pretty unknown & low profile camp. I only knew about this camp through L since he was the PD, and I dragged S along (again haha bffs yo) with me. Half of the people who interviewed me knew me, so that was awkward again LOL. Again, I presented a kind and caring side of me and TADAA, I was chosen to join the camp as a OGL. Half of the comm and OGLs were mutual friends of L, so it ended up being a half-business dominated camp haha. Not that I am unhappy about it, trust me it’s always nice to see some familiar faces in camps where you are exposed to new people. There wasn’t much to do before the camp, our first real meeting where I saw everyone was like 1 month before the camp (unlike being in the comm for NBC). Given the much smaller group of people, towards the end of the camp we sort of knew each other. This made me feel like I played a significant part in the camp, which always feel good as you feel that you made a difference for the camp, no matter how small it is.

Fast forward to the day after our OGL training, we were handed our list of freshies and this was where the fun began muahahaha. I was allocated to Wolverine with D, which made us the only duo-male OGL pairings. (Side Note: Sorry D, but at the start I was a little sad that I was paired with a guy LOL. But at the end it worked out so yayyyyy :D) For half of us, it was our first camp as an OGL so the excitement was there! We all decided to give ourselves a fake identity and changed our name & display pic on WA. S was Debbie, LY was Mei Li (thumbs up for the name choice), N was Emma and I was Emily (Em sisters unite haha).  We were supposed to build up some hype before the camp and tried to keep the freshies to talk in the group chat. Sam and I decided to act as FF and we each other into our own group’s chat. Cyclops was completely dead and boring as hell, but ‘Debbie’ played her role perfectly and started chatting up with some of the freshies. Some of our display pictures caused quite a lot of commotion HAHAHA (especially for us 4 guys), which was a total joke but we had our own facepalm and epic moments.

It was the standard camp procedures as we came to the chalet a day earlier to do the final preparations and debrief before the actual camp started. We ate supper (Thanks M for driving us safely in spite of you being way past your bedtime) and had our own HTHT among the OGLs. It was the last night we could so and instead of having enough sleep, we talked quite late and ended up having not enough sleep LOL. Too bad, it’s camp what do you expect HAH! We arrived to school early to prepare the registration and welcoming of freshies. We were thinking of ideas for a grand revelation but due to constraints, we had to just reveal our own identities beforehand. For Wolverine, we did a self intro for our ice breakers and had to add one interesting fact about yourself. When it was my turn, I was like: “I’m actually Emily.” And some of the freshies were like ya right… I had to show them my phone to prove that it was true and omg their face expressions… priceless hahaha. Imagine a super friendly female OGL in the chat that turned out to be a guy…. which is me… no wonder they felt totally cheated. Omg all these bad things I do to others, karma will bite me back somehow, someday. We had some station games and after lunch, we headed the way back to the chalet.

The whole camp had a really chill vibe as compared to NBC & UC, and of course minus away all the lupsup-ness (with a certain OG being an exception tsk haha). Did I mention that each OG had an entire chalet to themselves, imagine yourself in a camp having a bed to sleep on, with air-con… Not bragging or advertising for the camp but it was quite remarkable when I heard it myself the first time! Most of the OGLs aren’t the super hyper kind and I figured out this is why we meshed well with each other from the start (which I am soooo grateful for). The camp had their own version SP games (still one of the most exciting elements during a camp), and it has its own unique elements exclusive to the camp. It wanted to impart how it feels to be partially disabled, such as loss of sight and restricted movement. There were only 8 of us OGLs so the movements from chalet to chalet were pretty hectic and messy. It was kinda cute how we had to arrange all their slippers nicely so that we will remember whose pair is whose. Aside from the comm members who came and did irrelevant stuff, all of the games went smoothly and everyone was having fun. I always felt that there is a fine line on what people can and should do during SP games, and also facilitating the games while having your own fun too. (I’ll get more about this point in UC) Although you would want to do things that were done to you when you were a freshie 1 year ago now that you are a senior, it will end as an never-ending cycle if you think about it. Just random thoughts haha.

Just doing my job as Cupid <3

Just doing my job as Cupid ❤

Every time after the day ends, we also had our own supper and night activities. Me and S ended up playing asshole taitee with some of the comm members during one of the nights after our freshies fell asleep. We had a guys talk during the last night as well, just 4 of us standing outside a chalet for over an hour. All these small and random moments are the ones which become the sweet memories which make me smile as I pen down my thoughts here. It wasn’t as intense as UC (where we stayed up until 5am omg), but as with any camps we were left sleep deprived throughout the camp. There wasn’t exactly much HTHT this time but more of just activities to let us know more about each other. Having one chalet all of ourselves really helped, so every night we just gathered in the living room to eat and play our games in a comfortable setting. There was this freshie N who tormented me with his lateral thinking puzzles, such as meh meh jump over the wall, what MRT station is this, and my most dread THIS IS A STRING (which took me 3 days to figure, and only because S made it super obvious to me). Although he tormented me, he ended up being the one whom I am most comfortable with and still keep in contact with after the camp. He really is just the bro type (sorry for the side note again, but thanks a mill N, I’m really glad to have met you through this camp haha).  During the last night, I was introduced to this demonic game called burning bridges. It’s such a cruel game, but it’s similar to first impressions, only much better since you get to dig out some deep secrets from the person. So demonic, but so much fun hahaha.

Lastly, there was a CIP component in the camp and all of us would be involved in a CIP event held by the CCA. I was allocated to the intellectually disable (ID) group; and it was SOOO intimidating at first. I was one who never really did volunteering, not because I don’t care, but you could say that I was afraid to meet new people. Interacting with strangers was never a go for me, but attending these camps as an OGL proved to be a stepping stone. It turned out alright, but maybe I didn’t find it that meaningful due to the lack of interaction? Nonetheless, it had some meaning to me as this was my first volunteering event in a really long time! We break camp at the evening and that signaled the end of my fulfilling summer holidays.

~Final Thoughts~

I had many doubts about this camp and didn’t come in with any expectations, but it really turned out for the better and I really appreciated every moment of it. Maybe it was because of the disastrous UC weeks ago, so the only way was up. Me and D really complimented each other well and there wasn’t a very obvious dominant and loud one. I still took a very long time to get comfortable with everyone and ended up only taking to them when it’s 1-to-1 or 1-to-2. Fortunately the freshies in my OG were really friendly and they were the ones who usually start the conversation with me. I really need to stop using my phone (such a bad habit) when it becomes awkward and just straight up talk to people instead of just fidgeting with the phone. And aha assumptions, it’s really natural instinct to judge people based on looks but we don’t give a fair chance to them and ourselves as well. I had my fair share of own assumptions regarding people but they turned out opposite of what I thought. If you slap the person with a negative connotation, whatever the person does is going to be negative in your eyes, so note to myself to keep an open and welcoming mind. I know this isn’t really like what you should learn from camps, but my participation in camps ended up becoming life lessons and more self-realization moments. If you want comments about the camp, I’ll just sum it up: It’s good, and I enjoyed this one the most.

After going through all these camps as a senior, I sort of realized that my personality is super not suited for it HAHA. I am not one who is able to get close and comfortable with people in such a short duration of time. Although it has been a step out of the comfort zone, it has been a really hard one and there have been many times where I pondered whether it was worth it. Each camp really burned a portion of the holidays, but rather than thinking if it was worth my time, I’m really proud of myself to have at least tried out these new stuff. Even if it didn’t work out and I didn’t have fond memories, everything I had experience was a learning experience! Hey, I could have had this mindset of how great of an OGL I would be, but NAHHHH it’s much harder than it seems. I read from somewhere that introverts need time to recharge their energy level, which felt true throughout 4 days of camp. It’s not that I don’t want to meet new people, there always seems to be this pressure to speak up and even if I do, it isn’t just as natural. I don’t want to paint perfect pictures of each camp (because they simply aren’t) so I shared some of my honest thoughts towards the end of this post.

It wasn’t the most fairy tale ending, but let’s just say the feeling is like a very good spent holiday overseas? You know it’s the end and you wished for it to be longer; and if you had the chance you might have done some things differently. Okay that was a sucky analogy LOL, but at the end, I would say Step Up was a good closure of my holidays. 2k words WOWWWWW

그댈 바라볼 때마다
가슴 떨려오는 순간마다
이런 내 감정이 사랑이란 건지
자꾸 멍 해지네요

Drama OSTs are my new love, it’s been too long since I watched a kdrama.

~~~

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kovie-biakolo/2015/09/25-things-you-should-learn-about-yourself-before-you-turn-25/

4. The one fundamental value you don’t think will ever change.

Hmmmmmmmm…