May 5, Tuesday, 7pm. Time is up, please put all your pens down. As we wait for the teachers to collect our scripts, I didn’t have the slightest thought on how I did for my paper, I was just glad finals were over. As the professor in charge allowed us to leave the examination hall, I grabbed my belongings and left the area. My first year as a freshie in NUS has officially come to an end and the long awaited 3 months break is finally here.

Semester 2…it felt like a complete mess. If Sem 1 was one step forward, Sem 2 was three steps backward. I described 2014 as a year of self-discovery, and it has felt nearly the same way so far this year, only much more blurred. It has been increasingly felt like an alone battle; and when I break down I’m left to pick up the pieces myself. 1 fucking year, and nothing seemed to have changed: Still socially awkward, forever being left out. Such an agonizing situation;  as a person I want to grow but there’s so much holding me back. “May the bridges I burn light the way.” How did it even end up that way? I would say as a person, I crave for meaningful interactions. Crave may be too powerful of a word but I can’t think of another word. Despite me joining 2 CCAs and being part of a FOP, I got very little of this ‘meaningful interaction’. It’s very easy to put the blame on others, thinking that “ow, this person’s personality just doesn’t match with mines”, but when you see everyone blending well except for yourself, you start to think if it’s your own problem. Is it??? 😦

candid shot of myself

candid shot of myself

A short recap for how life has been after finals… After my last paper ended, I excused myself from my class and went off to meet TH for dinner. Spent quite a bit over thai food, but it has been ages since we had the chance to sit down and just talk so yup. We only seemed to have complains regarding our respective faculties we studied in. Whenever the topic of school comes up, there’s always nothing good that comes out; Everyone is under stress, forever busy, dying from studying.  So I’m really glad to be finally away from all of these for a short period of time. With all of the shit that is happening, all I really needed was just a little time for myself.

On Wednesday night, I met JQ and S for dinner in lieu of celebration for JQ’s birthday and end of finals. I wanted to bring them to eat chimaek but the queue was soooooo longgggg. I ended up bringing them around Orchard to eat chicken@scape & dessert@marche. Among us 3, I’m the most vocal one and would lead the conversations. This is very contrasting to normal me, who usually is very quiet in large groups. Not saying it’s more enjoyable to be the assertive one LOL, but it’s better than just being quiet at 1 side and trying to join the conversation. More meetups please my 2 besties/bunnies hahas.

On Thursday and Friday, I had NBC Dry Run 1.5, and in the midst of it I had to go do a presentation LOL. The heads in NBC are all really trying their best to please everyone, so it’s only fair to them that I don’t jump on the hate train. Yet another friendly remainder to keep my emotions in check and don’t go off at the heat of the moment. Finding small pockets of warmth as our busy period as a comm approaches, more bonding moments please too.

Dance practice on Saturday, it was the first time that the juniors & seniors were so divided. All of the juniors were all ready to go off but we decided to head back and jio the seniors to eat with us. It turned out great, and somehow its the spontaneous decisions that works out. And I end the week with a simple meal forMother’s Day on Sunday. Omg… it actually felt like a fulfilling & meaningful week! YAYS!

When everything slows down and you have time for yourself, the things in life slowly fall into place. That was how I felt for the past 2 months. For this summer holidays… half of the time is going to be occupied with camps. When I was a freshie going through these orientation camps, I told myself that I should at least participate in at least 1 of such a camp. Time really flies, in a instant I’m now a senior and no more a freshie. I didn’t think it through carefully when I signed up for these camps, it was more a repulsive decision I might say? I should have planned something more significant over this summer, like going for OCIP or a summer programme in a foreign country. In the end, I really hoped that in the end I could say that it was time well spent; or at least a better experience when I was back as a freshie? Is chilling at home watching my k-variety & drama considered to be time spent meaningfully? I spent the last week just stoning at home like a sloth and it actually felt quite enjoyable… LOL. It can get so exhausting physically and to the soul to be outside, needing to meet expectations and so why fret over these stuff. ARGH so many decisions… Would the decisions I make over this summer be the right ones?

2015 Summer. What do I want from you? Please let the answers I need appear slowly by itself.


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And remember to show thanks to those who help you become the person you are today 🙂