Hellos from my new MacBook Air; the comfort feeling to be back on a Mac after having many issues with my older computer. Other than the slight dip in screen resolution, very satisfied with the new purchase 🙂 No mid-semester recess week post I hope; still owe a 2015 Year In Review. Although I still owe my entry (or entries) regarding Throwback because really, it deserves a post on its own, maybe even two. It isn’t only picking up something new; it’s the people who went through this journey with me.
The first weeks of the year were purely dedicated to preparing concert. If I only had the same level of dedication and commitment to my studies, dean’s list would be mines. HAHA no shit I’m kidding, some of my peers (and close friends) are just too smart. Now, everything is over and it is back to reality. It isn’t the throwback syndrome everyone was talking about, although I would love to learn new dances but I know my focus now needs to be geared back to my academics. No more excuses, no more external commitments, so going back to mugging mode should be a breeze. Not even close… Every semester it has been the same cycle: lag behind first few weeks, do a lot of catch up over recess week, do more catch up for finals. I proceed to hate myself for my working habits then I promise a change next semester. Never happened and the same cycle goes on. When I really wanted something, I would work super hard for it. My A levels; my marathon training; Throwback this year; these were the places where my passion and motivation were in perfect alignment. Now, the laziness and procrastination is getting more prominent and the discipline isn’t there anymore. In basketball, they call it the killer instinct and you could see it in Kobe Bryant’s eyes. I guess I need that small something that would spur me and shape me back to that ‘killer instinct’ character, the ones I had before in other areas.
Okays maybe I still have a slight case of throwback syndrome; so I’m still going to talk about it here hahas. I was always occupied with something and any time remaining felt so precious. Now, there’s the small case of emptiness, and the people whom I am used to see every week are already feeling like a distant memory. Another deja vu of camps all over again? Get close during concert; slowly drift as time passes. It all feels too familiar and AGAIN (sorry I know this is something that I say a lot but it’s that obvious) there are so many people that I wished I talked to more and got closer to. I did talk and I did try, but I never liked to force the issue… Everything it just comes and thing happen naturally. Cliques are bound to be there, and naturally there will be people who you are closer to. After throwback, bam the loneliness stage creeped in. Many times I told myself that it’s okay for it to be in an alone battle; it’s okay to build your own independence. It’s okay to build walls and steel your fucking heart, because I am so tired of having to keep trying. That tiredness led to the decision of quitting GENUS & me not bothering to keep any ties, it was just a follow of the heart and things fell in place. Life isn’t perfect, happiness isn’t always there in front of you but there’s this constant chase in life for perfection. I blame Instagram for this constant projection of the perfect life.
Goal for the remaining semester? Focus on what’s in front, take slow steps and don’t force anything. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Don’t be someone you are not, and it is fine because you can’t mesh up with everyone. Stop comparing, stop complaining, stop giving excuses and stop hurting. The feel of an alone battle like in the past… maybe that’s the best way I function. I really want that satisfying feel of doing well; and now the goal will be of course the studies. In life, there has been decisions which didn’t go so well, but as always I just take them as learning experiences. Rock with the flow, part of the beauty of life is that things don’t need to be perfect, and people get scared when it isn’t. Things happen, whether good or bad it doesn’t matter; it’s how you face and deal with it that matters.