Heart vs Brain. I really hate how conflicting my heart and brain can be. When the emotions gett the better of you, you start to make impulsive decisions on the spot. When the emotions are gone, your brain takes over and starts to make the rational decisions. But these rational decisions may not always end up being the right one; there’s never a correct answer on whether to listen to your heart or follow your brain. The issue is that this internal struggle on always having to choose a side; and being afraid of taking the wrong decision… is really tearing me apart inside. This explains my current obsession with songs which are able to always give me the good vibes, music has served to be the best remedy in pulling me out of the slumps of negativity.
It’s silly to let myself get affected by the same things & the same people. When the brain is in charge, you start to realize how dumb you were to let them affect you. But your heart tells you to give others a chance and always assume the best out of them. Eating monster curry twice in 3 days, eating bingsoo thrice in the span of 4 days. The heart tells me that it was never about the food but the people who you eat with; while the brain tells you how stupid it is for you to be eating the same thing again over such a short period. The impulsive decisions that were made based on gut feeling and heart; if you were to rationalize anything you may never get out of the comfort zone.
And to the friends who were worried about me, I’m sorry that you have to read all my emo posts haha. I won’t say that I’m alright, but I will say I feel better. Maybe it was the feeling of loneliness during the recess week which fucked up the heart. When I was young, I never feared being alone & was independent. It’s amazing how a few things happening over a few years can change you so much. The heart tells you that you’ve changed because you understand more people now; the mind tells you it’s just the heart getting the better of you. Everyone wants to feel special, to be noticed, recognized, appreciated, and acknowledged. Everyone wants to matter to someone, to feel important. That is what the heart wants; but the brain tells you that the only person you need to look after is yourself. The heart tells you that you have to constantly remind others that you matter; while the brain is telling you to stop running after others to prove that you matter.
In the end, there’s no answer. I always wished for the answer to life to just appear in front of me; but there isn’t. Yes you get hurt in the process; you cry; you lose a part of yourself; but only when shit happens then you can really grow. Maturity never came with age, it comes with the experiences that you have gone through. Everyone’s life defining moments are unique & different with each other, everyone has their own progress so never compare. Comparison really is the ultimate thief of joy.
And in other random news. I got back 1 of my midterm results; never felt so frustrated at myself before. In the past 2 semesters, I never let my emotional struggles affect my studies, but it has started to show this semester. The godly attention span which I had back in As were gone and my priorities were all messed up. I always know that I have it in me, I’ve shown it before but I have never really given 100% to a single event before. This 100% effort, I really wonder if I would be ever at a stage again where there is something/someone which/who I would really dedicate all my strength…
Time to stop being a burden & step up when it counts. Time to stop complaining and giving excuses. Time to work harder. Time to have a lion heart.
P.S.: a note to myself: Stop slouching argh!
P.P.S.: Taeyeon’s new album on repeat LETS GO. Gemini is just pure eargasm all my
stalkers readers go listen to it now!!!