Results? What results? =P

And after As finished, you thought the day would never come… Well hell no, it’s coming in a week. 7 DAYS! sigh

With more than half of the guys in the army (I will talk about the army in another post), I got really a lot of time in hand with basically little/nothing to do (because lazy me didn’t go find a decent job =.=). And when you’re alone, you really start to think a lot: The past, the present, the future, basically anything to kill your boredom. These thoughts (for me) start to change to WordPress posts (since this is the only avenue for me to express myself, I’m not really the journal type of person). I never really thought about the As, since I was doing so much other stuff with the other guys before they went to the army. Nowadays, I spend my time alone, going to Starbucks to read a book, or maybe venture around Orchard like an awe-stricken tourist (yes Orchard seems like a new place to me LOL). The one thing the army guys told me is that army thought them who to treasure the normal life. Well, I always try to do that, but when you are really going to the army, you really just enjoy anything you do on the sunny island Singapore. From walking on the streets, jogging around Kembangan, to even being at your home, yeah these kinds of things you would definitely start to miss when you’re in the army. Going a little off-topic, back on topic. During this month, I met up with the remained “survivors” a couple of times, mostly for dinner. I still recalled that we were joking during dinner that results day was in 3 weeks, and when we meet again for dinner the week after, it’s 2 weeks. Newsflash, it’s now only a week.

I always try to tell myself this: Results aren’t everything, there is more to life than those grades on a piece of paper. But truth be told, those grade are actually the most important thing in our current 18 years on Mother Earth. It basically decides your future. Perhaps it’s the Asian culture where there is a lot of emphasis on grades, that’s why I’m feeling antsy no reason these few days =.=”. Although people tell me that I’ll do fine, I don’t really believe that because I REALLY REALLY burned out at the end. It has been 6 years since I took a major exam. and PSLE didn’t really came out well for me. Hell, I was candidate for top PSLE student in my school but in the end I didn’t make it to the top 10 and end up being the person entering Dunman High with the worst and ugliest PSLE score. That’s where I probably lost all my confidence, since I didn’t really deserve to be in DHS. I had DSA to DHS before PSLE, but if I recalled correctly I didn’t really slack and still put in my best for PSLE like the little Maths-loving nerd I was back then. Maybe I was meant to be in DHS. During the school visit to DHS on CNY, Mr Chang asked us if we regretted joining DHS. Well I didn’t really have a choice right? Maybe because I was from an all-guys school, so the thought of a mixed school really irked me. (But now puberty strikes and we mature, things are much different now :X) Things would have been so much different if I went on the normal O-Level 4 year programme (I probably wouldn’t have such a fruitful Year 4 experience, as substantiated by the lack of excitement in my Year 6 life ha) and went on to a different JC. Although my Senior High life I would say is an really enriching experience (the changes in attitude, playing in an ensemble, rocking in a band, even the mugging sessions), you can’t really enjoy the school life when there is the existence of a major exams. That why I CAN’t FIGURE why people miss school. I mean, you want to go through the whole torture of taking the As again, although I won’t deny that schooling is the best times of anyone’s life. Nothing much to worry, and studies seem to be an easier task then being out there in the cruel world and earning a salary. (going off-topic again sheesh). I always think if I would excel in other JCs since half my SH teachers sucked, but there are the rare teachers who are willing to go the extra mile to help the student. Respect and hats off to these teachers. There are many teachers I do not want to let down, since they put in so much effort to help us but later at the end, nothing comes out. True, most of them would say that results don’t matter, but you do want to repay their efforts by showing them the shiny A grade beside the subject they taught you. Unlike some teachers who mends their blog shop, ask us to go take As on the other year and keep nagging at us… *cough cough*. At the end, I just wonder if all of the “effort” (if I actually did put in any ~.~) would be in vain. The infamous 10 Econs essays I write every week which got me infamous in Learner’s Lodge LOL, the many Prelim papers you did, the consultations you found and crammed especially before the start of the As, the mugging sessions in school, the Learning Center, NLB, Starbucks and Subways and the things you sacrifice to study (my K-dramas and SNSD’s comeback LOL). In the end, would your efforts be shown on that result slip? Sometimes it doesn’t, which sucks so much. I always believe that effort would translate into results, but the harsh reality is that it’s not always the case, ok maybe 90%, but what happens if my results turn out to be that 10%? Shit happens (and especially to me .__.)

You always to look at the other side of the puzzle (or coin or whatever analogy you can think of). Even if I really flunked As and get into a lousy course, it’s really not the end of the world. I still have my family and my friends, who are the people that reminds you why it is so awesome to be alive. Ok, maybe in the future I won’t get a good pay and would have to wait 20 years to afford a car, but that’s isn’t really anything. Maybe I would emo for a few days, go into army and continuing to emo, come out and emo, which is really a pitiful scenario LOL, but hopefully I would be able to recover from being such a lousy student. Reminds me of the movie ι‚£δΊ›εΉ΄ where me and my sis recently watched (Maybe it’s because of my lousy Chinese, but watching a movie is so much better than reading the book), the girl said that she only knew to study and study, and in the end she didn’t do well. Kinda sounds like me… No idea why I’m so negative about As. For the past night, I have been imagining how the day would be itself (explains the insomnia >.<): Wake up, shower, go on lappy to check FB/Twitter/9gag/allkpop, go to school, meet up with teachers and friends, Dr. Foo comes out and talk a bunch of crap which I probably won't listen because I'm too nervous and at any time going to shit in my pants, wait to collect results, collect results. FIN. It's either πŸ™‚ or :(. Oh, and perhaps have class dinner during the evening and have a nice chat, after which in my 3 days before army, SQUEEZE ALL THE UNI APPLICATIONS (that's if my grades allow me to do so).

I always like to read back on my WordPress posts, so this is a little message to myself: No matter how the results would turn out, all I can say is that I tried my best. No point thinking about it or regretting, because I won't do anything to your grades. Don't compare my results to others and their straight As because I am not them. In the case where I do well, keep my mouth shut and be humble, and don't be an asshole and go run around the hall dancing to Tell Me Your Wish when there are people out there who might have not done well. Don't ask for grades, just ask "Are you satisfied with your grades?". IT doesn't if it's straight As or ABBB, as long as you are satisfied, that is really good enough. You do not always need to get to perfection. And lastly, don’t let those mere letters get you down or your ego up.

I just read finished Ellen’s new book, maybe you would notice in the tone and style of this post, and that this is written more of a first person POV and hope that anyone (if anyone actually comes here) can put themselves in my shoes after reading what I think. Till then, the next post I go!

7 FREAKING DAYS, STRESS AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

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Complicated

I decided to post some thoughts here on this wordpress, because Facebook and Twitter are too mainstream. Ok it’s not because they are too mainstream, but because here is the only place I feel that I can express my thoughts.


Thought of Avril Lavigne’s Complicated when I was typing this post~

I had something in my head/heart/chest (not sure how you should call it) which I have been hiding to myself for close to 18 months. It felt really good to just finally tell someone and know that at least someone out there knows about it. Sometimes, it just takes one person to open up, and gradually people start to open up themselves and share their own stories. The results are surprising: when I shared my story with Dillon, he also FINALLY shared something about himself. Maybe it’s because of the school environment or something, but it was nice to have the guys sit together in one night and just share about stuff while having fun at the same time. Also, you would realize how awesome they are, and no matter what happens, they would support you all the way (like true brothers!). Some of my pals just read my PERFECTLY, like a book. Maybe my actions are too obvious or I can’t hide my emotions well. That’s why sometimes I use this poor WordPress to vent my anger and frustration at times. Now without school, all these bad emotions are gone, but with most of the guys gone, there is no one you can share the good emotions with. Reiterating what Terence said, friends are really important. They are like your second family, just that they are not bonded by blood ties.

I didn’t really think about this after the As, or probably even my whole 2 years of Senior High life, I just thought it was a silly thought of mine and tried to shake it off. Maybe because I was too worked up with studies, or I just didn’t really think of the possibility and just gave up on the thought. I am an extremely shy guy (I didn’t really think of myself that way, but that’s what all the other people say I am), so things get really difficult. I just can’t seem to be “shameless”, it’s not my character. Hell, I even feel shy asking to help take stuff. I don’t really “socialize” and keep spamming messages on my phone, I must be one of the rare kind who can survive without my phone. Even after As ended, I didn’t think about it since the chances are close to zero already. In December, most of us were slacking and just relaxing, and thus I didn’t give it a thought at all. Just wanted to spend time with my close friends before they went to NS, work etc.

During January, the guys finally got the chance to get together at Janson’s house (because someone didn’t organize a chalet *stares at Dillon Foo* LOL), but it was close enough. Not sure if it was Dillon or JJ who suggested it, we managed to dig out some stuff from Dillon and Leon haha. During the last gathering before most of them book in for NS, I told a few more people about it. Surprisingly, most of them encouraged me instead of just the usual nodding, which was really heartwarming. I also thought that for a guy like me, it is impossible for me to do something like that. Even Janson who doesn’t know about it talked to me and that few words really, really helped me (don’t know if he was trying to hint something to me, but thanks anyway bro!). Sometimes, I just wished I had the courage and confidence to do it earlier, but I wouldn’t have gained the guts and determination required if I haven’t talked to those 7 guys. (Wished I had the time to tell my story to Janson >.<)

Through my 1st HTHT with Terence, I realized that things are not as easy as what it seems. The first few months may seem like a breeze, but it is really the later parts which is the real test. People told me to think through it, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY gave it a sincere thought so that I won't regret it. I thought of nearly everything out there, the present, the future, and how much was I willing to sacrifice and get out of my comfort zone. Now, I'm telling myself this: Even if it doesn't work out at the end, at least I can tell myself that I tried my best. And it's a first for me anyways, no one gets it right on the 1st try. Just go for it! I even added a 11th thing to do in my bucket List before NS due to this. (I'm getting too addicted on the idea of a bucket list haha)

It’s better to fail trying than wondering what could have happened if you tried

μ•„μž μ•„μž ν™”μ΄νŒ…!

Mind Over Body


Quickly taking the chance to type out something before I run out of ideas :O

End of Week 8, 2 more weeks to GP Prelims, 4 more weeks to Prelims. Time flies REALLY, REALLY fast, and I’m not even 50% prepared. Honestly, I feel myself burning out already even though I didn’t really do much. I really hate school and starting to lose my motivation, a really long study break would be awesome. Hopefully, I can get my drive back because this is seriously the most important 3 months remaining in my 12 years in education. It’s the final lap of the long marathon, just gotta believe that I can do it, and as always, put in the constant effort and make my dreams turn in reality.

Another thing to take note this A’s is not a competition with others, it’s ultimately the battle against you and yourself. I always like to relate back to the classic analogy of brick walls, it’s there to show how badly you want it. There’s no shortcut in overcoming that brick wall, just hard work. I really, really want to own those people right in front of their faces. But of course, the main motivation should be fueled by something more happy instead of anger. I always remind myself not to compare myself and limit my growth. Other than that, I should not care about the results of others. I see myself being bottom 10% of the cohort into jumping into the top 30% of the cohort this year. If I can do amazing things like this, then I really have no idea what my limit is, and all I can do is just push myself, with the exception of burning myself out. Maybe it’s time to hit back at Starbucks and perharps pon a few schooldays :O

The last thing I would want to cover is my slacking, which is really going from bad to worse. One word: FOCUS. Ahhh, shit I’m seriously dropping into the mentality that I cannot study consecutive hours like before due to school and other lousy excuses, but hopefully again I would like to build my groove which I have been losing due to this fucked up thing called school. Lol I seriously hate school and it’s really becoming a waste of time, of course with a few exceptions such as the excellent Mr.Ng and Mr. Chang. It’s again a battle against myself, and really controlling myself from the external events and distractions. Concentrate, relax and also enjoy the ride. I found myself repeating again, and again, and I’m really running out of words haha.

Tried to keep this post short and sweet, other than that, all the best to myself HAHA. Hwaiting!

My whole world feels like it’s falling apart

splash
Yup. The past few days school has been a living hell (and has always been), nothing has gone right, failed Chem CT, will do miserably for Maths Quiz, most probably will fail Chinese. Right now, I just hope that everyone just gives me a break.

So I was sick on Friday, had a fever and still recovering from it. Then on Friday, it seemed that every teacher had their shotgun aimed at me, Ms Tan the Chem Teacher asked me to sit infront and expects me ‘to concentrate more’, and when she asked me a question, I read the whole correct explaination and she expects me to just read out the keywords. Lol I fail Chemistry = must sit infront? There are at least 10 other people who also failed and I don’t see you sitting infront. Hoho. Maths Quiz, wasn’t feeling well and just wanted to sleep, mind just went blank, so I will expect myself to fail that one. Mr Yeo the Maths Teacher had to use his freaking fan and wack my back a few times and I would have vommited my recess if he had wacked me a few more times. Then Geog, Mr Yap told me I lack focus, true, but how can I focus when I have a fever. =.=”

Really bad mood these days, at the beggining I would like to get a couple steps ahead in life. Now it seems like whenever I get 3 steps ahead, the road crumbles and I get knocked back down 10 steps. My confidence is at a low now, when people online ask me ‘How’s Life’, I would just reply “ok lol”, life is an ass, and I believe on the fact that life can’t be smooth all the time, it’s just how you see it. Been slacking this weekends, watching TV and playing my PSP, just dread going back to school tommorrow.

Yup. Life’s a fucking bitch.