Tranquility

too young, too dumb to realise…

P.S. To friends who want to read my previous post about dance, drop me a message and I will pm you the password. The post isn’t meant for everyone to read (more of a self-reflection) so those who read it, hope you find it a meaningful post.

Week 8 of internship; as I’m now at the end of June (and it’s Seohyun’s birthday HAHAHA, excuse the fanboy) and the last weeks of this short journey. The countdown always feels faster once you go past the halfway mark. Getting used to the mundane yet exhausting work-life balance, as it leads to much rethinking about future plans in life. Indebted towards whatever lucky stars and guardian angels that are continuing to shine on me as I have been plotted to good assignments (as it always can be much worse). Got hopped around many engagements so I didn’t get to build much relations with the seniors I worked with, so I would sadly expect not to get a PO from the company. Nonetheless, I’m glad to get a taste of how working for a Big 4 company feels like, and office politics are inevitable as there are some who will try to step over you. The motivation and drive (sorry for my lack of vocabulary) that was present at the beginning vanquished completely, as I wonder after going through a second audit internship; is audit the career path that I really want to go?

It has been quite a while since release of results, but I’m still getting onto terms with fucking up my previous semester. Reality stinks and I have to face the fact that I fucked up, so the mood hasn’t been great recently. I thought I had a direction in life to get me back on track again, but now it feels like I’m going through the motion of everyday life. I’m referring to myself just doing the regular things in life (work, eat, dance, meet, talk) and not really doing much thinking about what I really want.  Promotion list for seniors in the company got released publicly recently, and J use the analogy of our own results being released in public and being able to see which people drop class as a comparison. Feels much more harsh and painful when you use an analogy that you can fully relate to. Getting disappointed is just a part of life so what matters is how you overcome it. Another reminder that in difficult times, it’s more important than ever to be there for each other and to help each other heal.

because we all have our own fights

Rewinding back to the early part of the month, as part of the internship programme, my orientation group of interns did a half-day CIP event for kids who were going through cancer and other various life-threatening diseases. The actual playing with kids was only 2 hours, but it taught me to treasure the little things in life that we choose to neglect because we are too zoomed into every little negativity that happens in our lives. The rethinking about how to spend my last year as a student, wow can’t believe it’s actually becoming reality. Seeing friends going through this phase of life, and now it will be my turn soon. The me in the workplace and the me after work feels like 2 totally different persons when they should be co-existing. Similarly I portray different sides of me, but the real and truthful side of me doesn’t appear often. Friendships become even more fragile as priorities change even more when you move towards the next phase of life; people change, feelings change, things change but life goes on.

Mid-20s crisis much? HAHA so much superficial problems I have bleh. There are too many questions I have for myself which can’t be answered right now, so in the end you leave them open-ended and let the answer appear by itself. That’s the beauty of life, just aiming for the simple things in life: seeing light and joy in everything. Indeed, it is the small things which take up the biggest room in the heart. Congrats Nick on surviving the first half of 2017, it hasn’t been pleasant and it would probably only be harder from here. Don’t ask for it to be easier, ask yourself to be stronger.

laugh. dance. live

Advertisements

Swalla

the usual grind; because everyone in the world are dancing to this song and I’m still using song names as titles for posts. I don’t even know what swalla means but it sounds fun HAHA

5 months gone just like that; still feeling like I have no direction. Just a short update about life after finals and how internship is going. The mind feels much fresher now that I do not require to stress about academics for the next few months, but this is only temporary and reality will hit back after the holidays are gone. Haven’t put much thought into expectations for myself going into this summer, just living life day by day, and I’m usually too tired to do anything at night (which I will come to in a short while haha). The room still isn’t organized LOL, so that should be the first thing to do under my agenda. For now, it’s just going to be internship all the way till mid-July and a week of reservist at end July.

Different environments; but same routine

Audit Internship Round 2; Week 4. Can I just say I can’t wait for it to be over already HAHAHA. This internship will last 10 weeks, so I’m 30% done already (staying optimistic as much as I can rofl). Working in a Big 4 accounting firm hasn’t been as glamorous as I thought it would be; you are just a small fish guppy in the big ocean. Seniors are too busy to really care about you, and there isn’t much work to be done because it is now the off-peak period for the audit industry. It went from “Omg need to work hard for my PO” mode to “Sighpie can’t wait for the day to end” mode real fast. Week 1 of internship was just staying in the large conference room, going through training and doing e-learning. More than half the audit interns are Year 2 NTU students, and NUS students are really the endangered species here. There are a couple of Year 1s who are also among us and they make me think “what are you doing here..?”; yours truly was still having fun doing camps during his Year 1. Being surrounded by younger peeps everywhere I go, you notice how priorities in life will change over the years, and you will be left behind if you don’t straighten out the things that you want have to focus on.

More about the internship… my orientation group of interns were really a chill group, kinda sucks that we have to separate for our respective engagements. I have 3 major engagements over this internship, located at Tiong Bahru, Tanjong Pagar & Raffles Place… how the hell did I get so lucky with my allocation?!! I could have easily gone to Tuas (which would totally kill any evening dance plans) but I got places which were (1) along the green line, (2) near central. THANK YOU MY LUCKY STARS~! Current engagement I was tasked to has been very mehhhhh though, but at least I ain’t OT-ing to crazy hours. We shall see whether my outlook towards this internship will change over the weeks to come. Will try to post more here (as usual) to record more of my progress over this internship, as opposed to last year.

Once you get into a 9-6 regular job, life can get mundane. I told myself to make good use of my evenings after work, and I have been doing so! (so proud of myself HAHA) Hard to believe, but I’m actually even busier now over this summer holidays; 1-2-4-6 are dance days while I leave 3-5-7 to meeting friends and letting the body rest. Last year, the post-work activities was mostly running, so dance is just another form of exercise to ensure I don’t get fat over this period. The main focus for dance hasn’t changed: just pushing myself while having fun at the same time. Some days I will be super motivated and be like “let’s go for more classes”; but there are days where I’m thinking why am I wasting money and doing this to myself. The current mindset is that I still have some energy left in the fuel tank, so JUST DO IT when I’m still (relatively) young and not bounded by the working life. Maybe I have been occupying myself with too much things, as my sleeping habits haven’t been good in recent months. Every night there’s this super tired feeling so I can just doze off, but it’s the feel good kind of adrenaline rush which makes life slightly more exciting~

And yays to more meaningful conversationsgot to understand more about others and of course more about myself. Not going into details of those conversations, but for those who are going through their own difficult times; just keep going, just keep swimming. Some old habits of mine still don’t die; I guess its just me. Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly until you see yourself through the eyes of others. So how do others really see me, or rather how do I want myself to be portrayed as a person? Maybe I’ll start from there…

Something Just Like This

i want something just like this

May 2 2017, 11am. Did my final checks on my MCQ shading, and making sure I wrote the correct question numbers in my answer booklet. The feeling of liberation was not there, but one of little relief that the semester is finally over. Normally I would be feeling nervous before an exam because I was scared of screwing up and wanted to do well. I thought I was way too relaxed in an exam setting this time around; maybe it’s been too long since I last did a proper exam. 3 years done and dusted, and with that another year as a student over just like that.

If I had to describe Y3S2 in 1 word, it was just messy. Dealing with my own emotional issues with a very challenging module basket, I was lost during every seminar and class participation was the worst out in my university life so far. It was not surprising that I was doing awful, scoring below average for many of my grades. The drive and focus to do well just wasn’t there, so as usual it was only desperation that struck me towards the end. Thankful for JQ for having nearly the same timetable (yes hello if you are reading this hehe), making the semester slightly more bearable. As per my recent post, no pointing of fingers so I will try my best to start this summer holidays on a clean slate, letting go of hatred and not comparing myself to others.

As time flew during the normal weeks of school, conversely it felt like the longest 2.5 weeks during reading week and examination period. Did most of my studying at a Starbucks (as usual), and it seems like every year I set up my studying fortress in a different Starbucks. I just love the vibe of studying at a coffee place, and this semester is no different. Had an unexpected “studying buddy” for a few days there, and very grateful for random snacks/dinner from this buddy’s mom! Wasn’t totally focused during the 2.5 weeks, I actually did many random things (and I am amazed at myself at this fact HAHAHA) and one of which was going back to DHS for guitar concert. Really made me miss times back here where we were so protected and the people whom you meet here are those you want to keep for life. 

throwback to times where we were all squeezing in a room over the phone waiting for syf results

Also in the midst of intense studying, I carved out some time to do a little sharing for SEP when I was in school. Seems stupid to waste time on a voluntary event, but I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to practice speaking to others. It was supposed to be a half-hour of informal chit chat, but it ended up being over an hour of sharing! I talked about a few tips and tricks on surviving in Sweden, and I didn’t really talk about the studying part because no one remembers that (like duh hahas). It’s all about the different experiences that you live in which you never imagined yourself to be in; and it’s just an amazing feeling that only those who went on exchange will know how it feels. My last word of advice was to just keep an open mind throughout the whole thing, and overall I just gave things on what things I would have wanted to know when I was my preparing for my exchange. Maybe a post on tips for exchange when I have the time? I also say I want to do this and that post but I don’t in the end, so no promises HAHA.

5.5 days of a short break before internship starts, and had the mandatory celebration with the BFF after the final paper. Went to dance on alternate evenings (will talk more about dance in a separate post), and went out a few times for yummy food as well. Haven’t had good conversations with human beings in a while, so it was nice to have some meaningful talk after a long period of closet mugging. Had dinner with J and Z after 6 freaking hours worth of dancing on Saturday, which was a slightly weird grouping but glad it turned out to be a great night. Spent my remaining time just sleeping like a pig LOL; was supposed to organise my things but procrastinating as usual lalala. Not the best way to spend this break as I could have done more, but it felt great that I didn’t have to worry about anything studying-related hahas.

3rd summer holiday, and I really have no idea what to expect from it. For now, just hoping to learn and have a good experience from internship, seeing the difference working from a small to more well established Big 4 company! Probably won’t travel after internship though; just want to enjoy a real break and save money for the grad trip. Not very excited and mentally prepared for internship too HAHA whoops. Last year, I was panicking on whether I will do a good job and I was actually reading my audit notes to refresh my knowledge. Only time will tell on how this internship goes and we shall see~ 

Keep at the things I always tell myself to follow, and hopefully I will have happier moments to share and talk about here. I do read my old posts, and as cringeworthy as they are, it really shows the different stages of life and growth that I was at. Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there; so let’s keep it going.

when your biases from 1m dance together omg ^^

Walking Back to Happiness

“Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”

When M said that she lost more friends than gained new ones during exchange; I didn’t believe her at all, until it really happened to yours truly. You see the world, try out new things, meet new people, visit amazing places, but after 5 months it’s all over. Exchange really was a life changing experience; not because of the travelling but also the numerous takeaways I had throughout the whole journey, and even after the time since I came back. Wrote bits and pieces here and there throughout the month, but I felt that I should only close this small chapter only after valuation finals #priorities. 4 more to go, 1 coming up on Saturday with no cheat sheet in sight sobs. This is going to be a rant-heavy post, but I feel that it would be healthier that I let it all go so that I can start the holidays with a clean state.

I haven’t been prioritising my studies at all this semester; and it feels like going through exchange left a breath of fresh air into my life. Now only with a year remaining as a student, you really start to think about how you want to spend this precious time before heading into the cruel cold corporate world. Spending time alone during exchange taught me the strength to be independent, while travelling alone taught me that I was capable of so much more. The outlook towards the remaining time in university has totally flipped; as it has become one which came to the realisation that you shouldn’t waste their emotions and time towards meaningless things and just go for it. No more being a people-pleaser; no more getting hurt; no more feeling sorry.

coffee, cake & work; enjoy, love & hate HAHAHA

It was very convenient to point the finger and blame others for the emptiness felt, but you realise that it doesn’t solve the problem. Instead of wallowing in self-pity, it has been a spiritual search towards the people I want to keep in my life and the little things I want to achieve and work towards. I have reached the stage where I have come to terms that people will walk out of my life, and I should stop chasing them and let it be. Remember those who are there for you when you needed help the most, it’s all about gratitude and appreciation.

You realise how much of an idiot you are to care so much about others when the opposite doesn’t happen. This same feeling has happened too oh so too many times, but the excuses kept coming and you just keep hoping. Hoping that some good will come out; but it doesn’t happen and you don’t learn from it, so the cycle happens again. Yes I’m sick and getting hurt by shitty ass people, and I have given others and myself enough chances. The feeling of self-guilt, getting disappointed and sadness comes towards breaking off some of these relationships, but give yourself a pat on the back because you’re brave enough to get away from the toxicity and stop the bleeding. Please call me the new-age sensitive guy HAHAHA

In spite of the terrible academic aspect and losing of friends, this semester have been filled with small pockets of gratitude. Things happen. Fate really plays you in a very funny way, when many things didn’t seem to work out, blessings in disguise appear naturally instead. I won’t go into details but thank you to you and you, the 2 of you, the 3 of you, and lastly the 5 of you (This part is meant for myself, so don’t come ask me who they are HAHA). At the meantime, can’t wait for post-finals to come already. Truly blessed and fortunate enough to have an internship; hoping to learn even more than the previous one last year and of course get that coveted provisional offer. Just praying that I don’t get dispatched to weird places like Tuas or Woodlands T.T. Till then, it’s deja vu because it is save the semester from total failure mode now.

Let’s walk back down the road to happiness. 

Dance should be fun and revisited in the most simplest way. Dance to express, not to impress. Always keep to an open mind and remember why you started in the first place. Never be scared, never say you cannot do it.

Replay

Times where I really wish I could just teleport to Korea when I read that 1M is teaching this choreo this weekend. Feels to travel again and go back to wanderlust mode has never felt so strong~

Still slightly distracted from normal student mode even though we almost hit the halfway mark for March. Busier weeks loom ahead for the semester as project deadlines will start to pile in. But the heart has felt much lighter as I have learnt to fight the battles that only matter. The past 2 Friday & Saturday nights have really been too awesome possum HAHAHA; nights where the walls around the heart didn’t need to be there. A few positive happenings this week, including a major one which officially occupies my summer holiday this year! It’s not exactly thrilling to know that normal 9-5 life awaits LOL, but I’m really looking forward to just learn more and keep growing, which has sort of become the theme for 2017 so far!

Speaking of which, current count: 14.5 hours. Can feel some slight improvements, so just keep pushing and keep working hard. The desire to keep improving can sometimes be a hell of a drug, but hey I’m still a student so I still have the time (along with my youth) to be doing such crazy things. Life of a student means work still comes first PLEASE REMEMBER THAT NICK, don’t fall into the bottomless pit of toxicity and just concentrate on yourself and yourself only.

like what a small little fish once said: “Just keep swimming~”

Blessed

finlandddddd

happy adventures even happier memories~

Love how I am posting here on a more regular basis, but maybe it shows how “free” I am HAHA whoops, which isn’t a good sign. In terms of real-life happenings, there’s nothing really new to update; but rather more realisations on the principles in life that I have always looked upon and the people in my life who I would want to keep. (Yes I know those who may be reading this, so I thank you for random HTHT moments which allow me to realise that I should focus on my own improvement rather than being engrossed at happenings that aren’t simply worth it.) 

We are at a age where we should stop giving excuses; and we are at a stage in life where we should stop blaming others and take a good look at one’s self instead. No one is going to care whatever you went through, whatever situation you were in. So do yourself a favour because no one is going to take pity of you. Again, it’s so easy to be in a loss and forget the improvements you want to achieve as a person. I didn’t believe in stories about superficial friendships in university back in army, but stories you listen slowly turn into reality. I never expected certain relationships to end up like what it has become today after coming back from exchange, as the happy sheltered bubble which DHS has built for us slowly crumbles. Yes people are inherently selfish and insensitive human beings, life is like that so what matters is how you responds to toxic situations like this. REMEMBER AND APPLY; RINSE AND REPEAT! Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.

Still reverting to old habits so again, little reminders to myself for the month: Open up and talk more, but to the right people; Maintain eye contact when you speak with others and body language is always important! Be confident, but that only comes with more trying and more practicing. Sometimes, it’s okay to make the first move because it shows that you valuable some things over your pride. Your heart is going to waver at so many moments and you’re going to hate that you can’t do anything to combat the feeling. Amidst everything that will come towards you, continue staying true to yourself.

To the friends who are fighting their own individual battles: just know that although I don’t have the words to make you feel better, but I do have a pair of ears which will always be ready to listen to whatever you want to talk about and a heart which wants you to be truly happy and see you smile again. Forget what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you.

6 weeks left for this semester, let’s rock it.

img_2128

Thankful, grateful, blessed