At the crossroads


the situation in my head nowadays

I figured that I should include sort of a update post before I went on any further. I have been much slower than expected in writing out these posts, and my holidays are sadly going to an end. Only 1 more week till O-week starts, and after a few more weeks I’ll finally go back to being a student as I strive to complete the last phase of my education. Please forgive my emo-ness in this post, I have been nowhere close to happy these days. 

After NBC ended, I was left with 3 weeks till my next camp and before that, I made a list of like what-to-do before school starts. Going for more FOPs isn’t one of them, but hearing about Rag from the seniors it seems like fun so on Saturday I went with the intro session with T at school. Got exposed to the 3 different components of Rag; dance, cheer and float. At first sight/thought, I thought for sure if I were to be in Rag I would join float since the other 2 isn’t really my cup of tea. Somehow when the practice sessions started, I was dragged to dance as L wanted someone to accompany him to dance as everyone else went for float instead. The timings were really bad for me to be honest because it was during Monday, Tuesday and Thursday evenings. Mondays I have Korean lessons while Tuesdays and Thursday I have tuition to teach. If it was any other timings I would have been perfectly alright. Just to commit to the sessions, I went to reschedule both my Korean and tuition lessons to go for the first week of practice. Needless to say it was tiring as half of my day was burned just like that. Practice started at 6pm so I have to leave home by 4.30pm, and after practice ends people will drag as just to talk or have supper so I’ll end up at home at around 10/11+. The turnout for the very first session was very good, at least 10 people from our group turned up, and after which we headed to Ameen’s for supper with N. This is where it hit me hard: Despite me being with my OG, I felt super alone and no one was talking with me and I just consumed my supper. No joke, even in my own OG I felt really left out, and I thought why the hell am I here? When it went to further practice sessions, I just really felt alone as I saw everyone around talking with their NBC OGs and with big smiles on their faces. Total polar opposites when it comes to me; I’m alone and deep inside I was sad. The only reason why I went down was to fulfill the attendance criteria. After the first week, I decided that I decided not to join Rag and I just disappeared from the practice sessions and did whatever I want at home. No one asked why or where I was, hahas I was that forgettable and insignificant. *insert sad face*

In the end, it turned out that even though the seniors told us that a s long as you could commit, they would teach us and they wouldn’t kick people from rag, it wasn’t true. There were auditions held for dance during the week I had union camp and roughly 30% of dancers got kicked out. It may seem like a small percentage, but that’s around every 1 in 3 people not making it. L who went for every single practice session didn’t make it and proceeded to rant in whatsapp. I really feel for him because I know he was quite enthusiastic in learning dance but wasn’t given the chance, so he ended up joining float instead. Maybe I would have been typing out a ranting post if I have went all the way for practice as well, so just take all these happenings as small blessings in disguise. But what if I had went for the session and passed the audition? Another I would never know what will happen moment, yeah I would be lying to say that I have no regrets not trying because really while learning the dance, the seniors were all very nice helping us out, constantly encouraging us when obviously we were sucking and chatting with us during the breaks. I told myself that rag would have been a good start for me to get out of that invisible shell, but I chickened out because no one I could rely on was with me. If I knew L was joining rag, perhaps I would have been much more happy during each training session since I had someone close with me there, especially since he ninja-ed out of nowhere and suddenly told me he got into dance, I was like WHATTTT?!!! Would it have turned out better if I was from a more enthusiastic OG? Instead of playing the blame game, I would rather just forget and not think about it. I could have also chickened out of the 3 week rag camp as well. So many what if-s, could-s, would-s… I really want to eliminate these thoughts and not have that feeling of regret. So let’s move on, fast forward to Union Camp, the seniors made big cards for us and had everyone to write messages for each of us. When I received my card and read what people wrote for me, it was yet another hit to me. Why? Let me read you some of the messages I got.

Even though I haven’t talk to you much…

Sorry I didn’t talk to you much…

Speak up leh don’t be so quiet…

BONUS: Hello fellow Rafflesian…

Forget about someone thinking I was from Raffles, that part really didn’t bother me. Was I really that quiet? :((( I thought I wasn’t, but whatever I thought didn’t matter. Reality hits hard ay, and that’s not exactly a negative point, but I kinda emo-ed for a while because of that. I thought I connected more with my Union Camp OG mates as compared to my NBC OG mates, so if I was quiet here what would my NBC OG people think of me? The same as I heard from L, since he was with some of my OG mates for tchoukball. It’s like that self-fulfilling prophecy coming true and university nowhere near where I imagined it to be. I hoped to make some friends before university start and did I? For business I could dare say zilch, kosong, zero. I do know and recognize some people, but that’s about it. The self-fulfilling prophecy I mentioned is that I end up having close to no friends and just end up being a loner plus closet mugger in uni, which seems to be coming true LOL. So I’m seriously hoping I make some friends in O-week, and when I meant by friends I mean people I will talk to even after camp ends. Even just 1 person and I would be satisfied already. (I really make myself sound like a super sad and emo kid in this post LOL). And oh yah hall… I didn’t get a placing, not even close. And after seeing even people like J having need to appeal in the second round to get into KR, I was certain I would never get a place at hall. They want people who can play sports well to win IHG, they want people who can act or dance for their performances; they want good looking people to be the faces of the hall, I’m nothing of the above. No wonder people say to find something that you’re good at in uni, so that you can at least offer something to others. At first, I felt definitely bummed that I wouldn’t be able to experience a unique part of university life and will miss out a lot. And again the magic rule: Don’t compare. Many people out there didn’ t live at hall before or some may not be able to even afford it, yet all of these people are doing well. Often we paint a picture of a perfect scenario which you will never attain, compare yourself to it and let yourself get down. What I have seen so far in university is only 1 picture, there are many pictures out there I haven’t witnessed yet. Hell, school hasn’t even officially started, why am I worrying so much? You might say going to NBC actually only brought about worries for me, but I think even if I hadn’t went to NBC, this impact would just be delivered later to me instead. Yeah travelling to and back from school would be time-consuming and tiring, but I’ll just take it as blessings in disguise. 🙂 No hall means I would be able to focus more on my studies, my CCAs (that is if I managed to get in one), and maybe hall would end up as another place where I would be forced into joining everything just again to fit in. I would never know the answer, but really no point crying over split milk,; no point emoing and thinking about it. Would it have made a difference if I went to one of the hall exposure camps before? Damn I’m not going to even answer because I know it’s pointless so suck it up and life goes on let’s go!  🙂

Somehow this ended up as an emo/rant post and I shan’t go further, also I don’t want to mix the more positive things I want to talk about in this post. Expect more updates here as well! February and April this year have already been postless, as compared to last year where I only had an empty month. Hopefully (I’m really full of hope ay LOL) even when school starts, I would be able to keep posting here on at least a monthly basis. Even though my 1st semester is grade-less, which means that I can basically flunk everything, I would still try my best and see where I roughly stand among my peers. Here’s a list of what I want to write about; some of them almost done already but some not even started yet, and I hope to be done with all of them around 80% of them before the year comes to a close. It’s time to camp at Starbucks and start churning out some of these posts! (just a fun fact, I typed this post at Tampine Starbucks hahas) Half of the year is already over, but it feels like i haven’t written here enough. So here’s a list of what I owe here:

1) Travel posts regarding Korea Trip (this one will definitely take a while)

2) Union Camp 2014 (another 4 days worth of posts incoming)

3) An overview of my life in the army/ORD post

4) Any happenings/updates on university life so far (I can’t wait to pen down and see my progress down uni hahas)

5) Anything positive and worth penning down here hahas 😀

6) Maybe some kpop related stuff as well

7) And of course, the topic which shall not be named, the one I constantly have been avoiding because I never know how to start etc.

8) Not to forget some proper updating of some sections in this blog, and also editing of my posts to put them in proper categories and tagging them as well.

Alright it’s really time to get rid of all this fucking negativity and enjoy fully the remaining of my holidays. Please Nick, this is really something not worth emo-ing about, don’t worry about not fitting in, not having friends, things will fall into place slowly. Don’t compare yourself to others just simply because I am not them. I learnt and wrote about these life principles before, so it’s just remembering and applying them. I believe that I will change a little when it comes, but also Nick please don’t change and stay the way you are. Don’t go tryhard; don’t go desperate; just be yourself and really, 不要想太多! If she can survive 2 years of university so far, why can’t I? I’m worrying about everything other than the most important factor in uni, the academics itself LOL. (And yays to another 2k word post. I really need to keep my posts shorter next time lols.)



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