I decided to post some thoughts here on this wordpress, because Facebook and Twitter are too mainstream. Ok it’s not because they are too mainstream, but because here is the only place I feel that I can express my thoughts.
I had something in my head/heart/chest (not sure how you should call it) which I have been hiding to myself for close to 18 months. It felt really good to just finally tell someone and know that at least someone out there knows about it. Sometimes, it just takes one person to open up, and gradually people start to open up themselves and share their own stories. The results are surprising: when I shared my story with Dillon, he also FINALLY shared something about himself. Maybe it’s because of the school environment or something, but it was nice to have the guys sit together in one night and just share about stuff while having fun at the same time. Also, you would realize how awesome they are, and no matter what happens, they would support you all the way (like true brothers!). Some of my pals just read my PERFECTLY, like a book. Maybe my actions are too obvious or I can’t hide my emotions well. That’s why sometimes I use this poor WordPress to vent my anger and frustration at times. Now without school, all these bad emotions are gone, but with most of the guys gone, there is no one you can share the good emotions with. Reiterating what Terence said, friends are really important. They are like your second family, just that they are not bonded by blood ties.
I didn’t really think about this after the As, or probably even my whole 2 years of Senior High life, I just thought it was a silly thought of mine and tried to shake it off. Maybe because I was too worked up with studies, or I just didn’t really think of the possibility and just gave up on the thought. I am an extremely shy guy (I didn’t really think of myself that way, but that’s what all the other people say I am), so things get really difficult. I just can’t seem to be “shameless”, it’s not my character. Hell, I even feel shy asking to help take stuff. I don’t really “socialize” and keep spamming messages on my phone, I must be one of the rare kind who can survive without my phone. Even after As ended, I didn’t think about it since the chances are close to zero already. In December, most of us were slacking and just relaxing, and thus I didn’t give it a thought at all. Just wanted to spend time with my close friends before they went to NS, work etc.
During January, the guys finally got the chance to get together at Janson’s house (because someone didn’t organize a chalet *stares at Dillon Foo* LOL), but it was close enough. Not sure if it was Dillon or JJ who suggested it, we managed to dig out some stuff from Dillon and Leon haha. During the last gathering before most of them book in for NS, I told a few more people about it. Surprisingly, most of them encouraged me instead of just the usual nodding, which was really heartwarming. I also thought that for a guy like me, it is impossible for me to do something like that. Even Janson who doesn’t know about it talked to me and that few words really, really helped me (don’t know if he was trying to hint something to me, but thanks anyway bro!). Sometimes, I just wished I had the courage and confidence to do it earlier, but I wouldn’t have gained the guts and determination required if I haven’t talked to those 7 guys. (Wished I had the time to tell my story to Janson >.<)
Through my 1st HTHT with Terence, I realized that things are not as easy as what it seems. The first few months may seem like a breeze, but it is really the later parts which is the real test. People told me to think through it, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY gave it a sincere thought so that I won't regret it. I thought of nearly everything out there, the present, the future, and how much was I willing to sacrifice and get out of my comfort zone. Now, I'm telling myself this: Even if it doesn't work out at the end, at least I can tell myself that I tried my best. And it's a first for me anyways, no one gets it right on the 1st try. Just go for it! I even added a 11th thing to do in my bucket List before NS due to this. (I'm getting too addicted on the idea of a bucket list haha)
It’s better to fail trying than wondering what could have happened if you tried
아자 아자 화이팅!